In light of today’s USA Today/Gallup polling on healthcare, Democrats will, of course, hold all 18 seats that they are defending this cycle, so we don’t need to talk about those.
Phase I – The wimps bailing out because the Republicans are DOOMED
A. Missouri – Missourians who are giving Roy Blunt competitive poll numbers right now wake up and realize, “Wait, this is Roy Blunt.” Carnahan by 23%.
B. Ohio – Jennifer Brunner wins the primary and the general in spite of having a war chest of $1.47. It is the ultimate grassroots campaign, with her immediate family and friends holding up signs written with magic marker on cardboard boxes in various parts of the state. Brunner by 18%.
C. New Hampshire – Binnie, Lamontagne, and Ayotte have a three-way tie in the Republican primary, which is decided by a poker game. Lamontagne wins, and Binnie and Ayotte both endorse Hodes and claim that Lamontagne cheats at cards. Hodes by 17%.
D. Kentucky – Paul and Conway win the primaries. Conway oppo researchers discover that Paul was an extra in Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” video, costing him 20% of his vote. Conway by 13%.
E. Kansas – Having now insured every American, Sebelius heads back to Kansas and beats down on Jerry Moran. Sebelius by 11%.
F. Florida – Crist switches parties but loses the Democratic primary. He runs as the Coffee Party candidate, and Meek beats Rubio. Meek by 9%.
G. Texas – KBH drops out. Sharp raises shitloads of scrilla and beats Kinky Friedman, who wins the Republican nomination. Sharp by 8%.
Phase II – Republicans in diapers.
A. Louisiana – Much like Missouri, Louisiana wakes up and collectively says, “This guy wears fucking diapers.” Melancon by 14%.
At this point, GOPVOTER and INRepublican are shitting bricks, but hang in there guys!
Phase III – Republican incumbents who nobody in the state has ever heard of
A. North Carolina – Elaine Marshall wins this race because Burr has only 11% name recognition on election day. Marshall by 6%.
Phase IV – Democrat recruiting successes
A. South Carolina – Stephen Colbert gets on the ballot as a Democrat and destroys DeMint. Colbert by 34%.
B. Alaska – Two words: Mike Gravel. Gravel by 27%.
C. Georgia – Jimmy Carter launches the greatest political comeback in history. It’s been claimed as unlikely that Jimmy Carter will challenge Johnny Isakson. But that’s what they said about John Hoeven and Mike Castle. Carter by 13%.
Phase V – Batshit crazy incumbents
A. Oklahoma – Coburn reiterates that lesbians making out in bathrooms is the #1 thing on his mind – I mean the #1 problem for Oklahoma. His position on the subject brings his approval ratings near 0%, and he is defeated by Oklahoma’s first lesbian Senator – carpetbagger Rosie O’Donnell. O’Donnell by 3%.
Phase VI – Old men yelling at clouds
A. Iowa – Grassley adopts “get off my lawn” as a campaign slogan. It does not resonate. Conlin by 5%.
B. Arizona – J.D. Hayworth handily defeats McCain in the primary. Arizona Republicans all collectively think, “WTF did we just do?” Glassman by 21%.
Phase VII – Party switching bastards
A. Alabama – Alabama tea partiers realize that Shelby used to be a Democrat. They all write in Judge Roy Moore. Parker Griffith switches back to the Democrats to run for Senate. Griffith by 17%.
This leaves the Republicans holding 3 (ID, UT, and SD) of the 19 seats they are defending. Democrats have a 75-25 majority in the Senate, and still can’t break a filibuster on any significant issue.
I kid because I care. Your diaries are great, but this one depressed me so I tried to lighten the mood!
And wouldn’t Phase V apply to all Republican incumbents?
Surely there is someone we can bring back from the dead to run against Bennett, Thune, and Crapo.
Burr losing because of voters not knowing whether he or a grilled chicken sandwich is actually their senior Senator isn’t actually out of the question!
This might almost be enough to make me vote for Paul. 😉
I love it! Let me try.
John Hoeven shaves his mustache and public outcry is so negative he loses by 40 points.
May not be as pie-in-the-sky as you think. Imagine this scenario: Johnny Isakson’s health problems (he was just admitted to the hospital) become more dire and he decides to retire at the last second (a la Bayh).
Sensing he’s gaining no traction in the governor’s race, Dem AG Thurbert Baker switches races also at the last second, leaving Republicans with no-namers to take on a thrice-elected statewide official. He manages to clear 50% on election day and doesn’t have to face a runoff.
And I think SC Dems should just nominate Stephen Colbert, because it’s not like any of their serious politicians could beat DeMint. Colbert could raise tons of money from his nation, and run intellectual circles around DeMint, simultaneously using his character to appeal to conservatives and sly winks to get Democrats on board. Why the heck not, right?
Some high-grade snark, for sure! Just glad people got the joke this time!
Stop being such a downer:
Thune, upon learning that he is, in fact, a Martian resigns his senate seat immediately. Gov. Rounds, in a fit of insanity not unlike the one Mike Crapo experienced, decides to appoint Hugo Chavez. While Republicans sue under any number of possible legal challenges, they forget to field a candidate to Stephanie Herseth Sandlin, who runs completely unopposed. Herseth Sandlin by 100%
Bennett, it is revealed, is not actually a Mormon (in truth he is a recent convert to an obscure religion called “Jesusisachildmolesterians”. I, of course, move to Utah and run on a campaign of atheism, socialism, and widespread drug use. dgm by 20%
Crapo, in fit of temporary insanity, declares himself to be the reincarnation of Adolf Hitler. While this in itself does not hurt his approval ratings in Idaho, what does throw him off are the pictures they found of him with Larry Craig in a bathroom, with a platypus. Oh and Frank Church rises from the dead to run for the seat. Zombie Church by 3%
Former Rep. Bill Sali’s yard sale goes so well he decides to primary Sen. Crapo rather than run for his old seat. In a move that can only be characterized as pure swagger and ambition, Rep. Walt Minnick announces his candidacy for US Senate. Former Rep. Sali’s warchest plows through Crapo (who resorted to a less successful bake sale in response to Sali’s yardsale). Idaho proves it’s not the worst state in the union, recognizing pure crazy when they see it electing Minnick by 2 votes.
Oh Rosie……. Was watching League of Their Own the other day, she’s been America’s 2nd lesbian for quite awhile now. Too bad she came back all hyper political and crazy. Ellen is just adorable.
Ellen, upon seeing Vitter’s scandal, runs an Indy campaign and as America’s sweetheart lesbian, convinces the Louisiana voters that even they should think that homosexual sexual deviance isnt nearly as bad prostitutes and diapers. With Ellen’s charm, +55%.
I had an extremely good laugh. And, taking into account, that next primarues are only May 4th – just at proper time. But still i think that scrnario has little chances to succeed…
I have to wonder if Carter would actually now go down in defeat in his home state, ala Fritz Mondale in ’04?
…President Obama, a year and half into his presidency, decides to call it quits. In his shocking announcement, he declares, “This shit’s getting way too complicated for me.”
After a few weeks of leading the secret ACORN plot to have blacks, Hispanics, gays, and soccer players take over the country, former President Obama happens upon an ad by Mark Kirk. Astonished and furious, he screams, “You know that guy ain’t shit. Sorry-ass motherfucker ain’t got nothing on me.” Just then, the DSCC calls begging for help. Obama responds to the recruitment pitch by saying, “Sure, you can have my number, baby” and then explains to the dumbfounded person on the other that he will run.
In the debate with Kirk, Obama scores a knockout blow, telling Kirk, “There are white folks, and then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you.”
Obama by 98%. Illinois Republicans like to Alan Keyes as their savior.