The following is the first of two parts reviewing the fun, the interesting and the just plain odd in Oregon’s Voters’ Pamphlet this year. Think of this as a bit of humor to brighten your days.
Cross-Posted from Loaded Orygun: http://www.loadedorygun.net/sh…
The Oregon Voters’ Pamphlet is currently posted at: http://www.sos.state.or.us/elections/nov42008/military_vp.html.
Please note that this is the “Military/Overseas” edition and as such is a bit rough (it is basically scanned in PDFs).
For each candidate I will present their main message (for Rs and any fun third party folks), and my thoughts on what they are really saying. Candidates are Rs unless otherwise indicated.
President:
McCain
What he says: Washington in broken.
What he means: I broke Washington and you fools expect me to fix it.
Nader (Peace Party)
What he says: Only I can fight for these issues that you care about.
What he means: I can do this because I apparently don’t read any newspapers and have a huge ego.
US Senate:
Smith
What he says: I am a centrist who supports both the Republican and Democrat (he spells it that way) parties.
What he means: HA HA, you fools, I love playing moderate for two years so I can be a typical Repub for four.
US Congress
2nd District
Walden
What he says: Being environmentally responsible is good for all of us.
What he means: Drilling and clear-cutting are good for all of us.
3rd District
Lopez
What she says: Local government is best.
What she means: But I want to be part of the federal government because they have all the $.
5th District
Erickson
What he says: I ran a business so I can run a government.
What he means: I hope to God people don’t remember how much of a hypocrite I am, I mean that trip to Cuba was a bit shady…
Secretary of State
Dancer
What he says: I want a nonpartisan Secretary of State.
What he means: Because that’s the only way a Republican will ever win this office.
State Treasurer:
Alley
What he says: I have run a business so I can run the state.
What he means: I hope to God people don’t know I ran my business (Pixelworks) into the ground (The price of the stock has dropped from $9/share two years ago to $1.60 now and was worth $60/share in 2004).
State Legislature:
I only profile selected races here due to space (e.g. those that are most humorous.
State Senate:
2nd District
Atkinson
What he says: I am a smart, independent and principled leader.
What he means: Yet I managed to shoot myself in the knee while fixing a friend’s bike.
14th District (My District)
Michaels
What she says; Vote by mail is rife with voter fraud (it’s not actually).
What she means: I don’t like vote by mail because it means Republicans lose.
State House:
9th District
Pearn
What he says: Government regulation has cost Oregon jobs.
What he means: I hate government, I want to drown it in a bath tub.
22nd District
Chereck (link to his bat-shit crazy post: http://www.sos.state.or.us/elections/nov42008/military_vp/chere_t.pdf)
What he says: Following God is the way to govern.
What he means: I want a theocracy.
Note: This guy is f-ing crazy. Among other things, he lists that he has a social security card and is married. He also lists “The Bible” as part of his education, as well as “Pesticide application recertification training”.
36th District
Oppenheimer
What he says: My ideas should become law.
What he means: I know I have no chance to win, so why don’t I just propose the craziest things possible?
52nd District
Lindland
What he says: I’m not a normal politician.
What he means: If people f-k with me, I’ll use all my UFC skills against them, like in this video (except I won’t lose this time):
Let me know what you think…
These things are so easy to mock…