Fun with the OR Voters’ Pamphlet: Candidate Edition

The following is the first of two parts reviewing the fun, the interesting and the just plain odd in Oregon’s Voters’ Pamphlet this year.  Think of this as a bit of humor to brighten your days.

Cross-Posted from Loaded Orygun: http://www.loadedorygun.net/sh…

The Oregon Voters’ Pamphlet is currently posted at: http://www.sos.state.or.us/elections/nov42008/military_vp.html.

Please note that this is the “Military/Overseas” edition and as such is a bit rough (it is basically scanned in PDFs).

For each candidate I will present their main message (for Rs and any fun third party folks), and my thoughts on what they are really saying.  Candidates are Rs unless otherwise indicated.

President:

McCain

What he says: Washington in broken.

What he means: I broke Washington and you fools expect me to fix it.

Nader (Peace Party)

What he says: Only I can fight for these issues that you care about.

What he means: I can do this because I apparently don’t read any newspapers and have a huge ego.

US Senate:

Smith

What he says: I am a centrist who supports both the Republican and Democrat (he spells it that way) parties.

What he means: HA HA, you fools, I love playing moderate for two years so I can be a typical Repub for four.

US Congress

2nd District

Walden

What he says: Being environmentally responsible is good for all of us.

What he means: Drilling and clear-cutting are good for all of us.

3rd District

Lopez

What she says: Local government is best.

What she means: But I want to be part of the federal government because they have all the $.

5th District

Erickson

What he says: I ran a business so I can run a government.

What he means: I hope to God people don’t remember how much of a hypocrite I am, I mean that trip to Cuba was a bit shady…

Secretary of State

Dancer

What he says: I want a nonpartisan Secretary of State.

What he means: Because that’s the only way a Republican will ever win this office.

State Treasurer:

Alley

What he says: I have run a business so I can run the state.

What he means: I hope to God people don’t know I ran my business (Pixelworks) into the ground (The price of the stock has dropped from $9/share two years ago to $1.60 now and was worth $60/share in 2004).

State Legislature:

I only profile selected races here due to space (e.g. those that are most humorous.

State Senate:

2nd District

Atkinson

What he says: I am a smart, independent and principled leader.

What he means: Yet I managed to shoot myself in the knee while fixing a friend’s bike.

14th District (My District)

Michaels

What she says; Vote by mail is rife with voter fraud (it’s not actually).

What she means: I don’t like vote by mail because it means Republicans lose.

State House:

9th District

Pearn

What he says: Government regulation has cost Oregon jobs.

What he means: I hate government, I want to drown it in a bath tub.

22nd District

Chereck (link to his bat-shit crazy post: http://www.sos.state.or.us/elections/nov42008/military_vp/chere_t.pdf)

What he says: Following God is the way to govern.

What he means: I want a theocracy.

Note: This guy is f-ing crazy. Among other things, he lists that he has a social security card and is married.  He also lists “The Bible” as part of his education, as well as “Pesticide application recertification training”.

36th District

Oppenheimer

What he says: My ideas should become law.

What he means: I know I have no chance to win, so why don’t I just propose the craziest things possible?

52nd District

Lindland

What he says: I’m not a normal politician.

What he means: If people f-k with me, I’ll use all my UFC skills against them, like in this video (except I won’t lose this time):

Let me know what you think…

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