Inspired by this comment thread, and attempted only half in jest.
1) has been elected to some office with a constituency larger than 30,000 people, AND did not disgrace him/herself
OR
2) has been appointed to some office with a constituency larger than 100,000 people, AND did not disgrace him/herself
OR
3) has been in a top-three leadership position in a medium-size or larger private business, AND did not disgrace him/herself
OR
4) has been in a top-twelve leadership position in a HUGE well-connected private business, AND did not disgrace him/herself
OR
5) has been deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan AND can speak in complete sentences
OR
6) has been a “glamour working class” person such as high school teacher (male only), firefighter, high-ranking cop, non-deployed military, doctor, etc AND is extremely hardworking OR is charismatic with a rich buddy in the background
OR
7) is really fucking rich, AND not certifiably insane (inherited wealth ok)
OR
8) is not really fucking rich, and has no obvious qualifications at all, but has a coterie of really fucking rich buddies (see: Newsom, Gavin)
OR
9) has no obviously significant qualifications, AND no pre-existing social connections to the ruling class, BUT seems dumb enough to be malleable AND belongs to electorally significant demographic group
OR
10) is the kid of anyone who has ever been elected to federal or statewide office, ever
OR
11) is married to anyone who has ever been elected to federal or statewide office, ever
OR
12) was the chief-of-staff, finance director, political director, communications director, or (if exceptionally attractive) legislative director of anyone elected to federal or statewide office, ever
OR
13) worked in the DAs office and knows exactly who is laundering the drug money, and how
OR
14) has been in grassroots/outsider politics long enough to really know what the fuck they’re doing
OR
15) works at one of the super-juiced NGOs/nonprofits in a top-three position, AND did not disgrace him/herself
OR
16) held an obnoxiously high position in the executive (or, if absolutely necessary, judicial) branch, especially the White House or Pentagon
………AND (to all of the above)
people who are involved in politics in your county should probably know who the fuck you are already.
Extra points to candidates in any category for:
A) being attractive
B) being articulate
C) having a beautiful family
D) divorce records sealed
E) not having obvious unsavory associates
F) no one has any pictures of you smoking dope
G) you know the county judge and can get that DWI record sealed
H) membership in electorally significant demographic group, ideally one without a populous enemy group in-district
I) you have pictures of Rahm Emanuel smoking dope
J) you’re willing to hire whatever super-juiced political consultant the powers-that-be tell you to hire, and you’re willing to say whatever the hell that consultant tells you to say, no matter how obviously inane or off-point
K) you can smile convincingly and play outraged compellingly while doing J
——————
I think that algorithm covers almost everyone who’s ever been elected in a non-fluke election, as well as a bunch of the obviously unelectable people whom we’ve been forced to pretend are “credible.”
That was a lot of fun.
Comments?
Matching people up to the parameters, or finding candidates who don’t fit any of them, can be a lot of fun. Give it a whirl. Play with candidates or suggest parameters that I obviously missed.