In light of today’s USA Today/Gallup polling on healthcare, Democrats will, of course, hold all 18 seats that they are defending this cycle, so we don’t need to talk about those.
Phase I – The wimps bailing out because the Republicans are DOOMED
A. Missouri – Missourians who are giving Roy Blunt competitive poll numbers right now wake up and realize, “Wait, this is Roy Blunt.” Carnahan by 23%.
B. Ohio – Jennifer Brunner wins the primary and the general in spite of having a war chest of $1.47. It is the ultimate grassroots campaign, with her immediate family and friends holding up signs written with magic marker on cardboard boxes in various parts of the state. Brunner by 18%.
C. New Hampshire – Binnie, Lamontagne, and Ayotte have a three-way tie in the Republican primary, which is decided by a poker game. Lamontagne wins, and Binnie and Ayotte both endorse Hodes and claim that Lamontagne cheats at cards. Hodes by 17%.
D. Kentucky – Paul and Conway win the primaries. Conway oppo researchers discover that Paul was an extra in Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart” video, costing him 20% of his vote. Conway by 13%.
E. Kansas – Having now insured every American, Sebelius heads back to Kansas and beats down on Jerry Moran. Sebelius by 11%.
F. Florida – Crist switches parties but loses the Democratic primary. He runs as the Coffee Party candidate, and Meek beats Rubio. Meek by 9%.
G. Texas – KBH drops out. Sharp raises shitloads of scrilla and beats Kinky Friedman, who wins the Republican nomination. Sharp by 8%.
Phase II – Republicans in diapers.
A. Louisiana – Much like Missouri, Louisiana wakes up and collectively says, “This guy wears fucking diapers.” Melancon by 14%.
At this point, GOPVOTER and INRepublican are shitting bricks, but hang in there guys!
Phase III – Republican incumbents who nobody in the state has ever heard of
A. North Carolina – Elaine Marshall wins this race because Burr has only 11% name recognition on election day. Marshall by 6%.
Phase IV – Democrat recruiting successes
A. South Carolina – Stephen Colbert gets on the ballot as a Democrat and destroys DeMint. Colbert by 34%.
B. Alaska – Two words: Mike Gravel. Gravel by 27%.
C. Georgia – Jimmy Carter launches the greatest political comeback in history. It’s been claimed as unlikely that Jimmy Carter will challenge Johnny Isakson. But that’s what they said about John Hoeven and Mike Castle. Carter by 13%.
Phase V – Batshit crazy incumbents
A. Oklahoma – Coburn reiterates that lesbians making out in bathrooms is the #1 thing on his mind – I mean the #1 problem for Oklahoma. His position on the subject brings his approval ratings near 0%, and he is defeated by Oklahoma’s first lesbian Senator – carpetbagger Rosie O’Donnell. O’Donnell by 3%.
Phase VI – Old men yelling at clouds
A. Iowa – Grassley adopts “get off my lawn” as a campaign slogan. It does not resonate. Conlin by 5%.
B. Arizona – J.D. Hayworth handily defeats McCain in the primary. Arizona Republicans all collectively think, “WTF did we just do?” Glassman by 21%.
Phase VII – Party switching bastards
A. Alabama – Alabama tea partiers realize that Shelby used to be a Democrat. They all write in Judge Roy Moore. Parker Griffith switches back to the Democrats to run for Senate. Griffith by 17%.
This leaves the Republicans holding 3 (ID, UT, and SD) of the 19 seats they are defending. Democrats have a 75-25 majority in the Senate, and still can’t break a filibuster on any significant issue.